What do you think about the title? Pretty dramatic, right? That’s exactly why I chose it. 😎
However, this is not really about being extraordinary… or a woman, for that matter.
Last year, in an exchange, I was called “an extraordinary woman” by a person and in a context that triggered some unresolved issues in me, and I got inspired to write this article.
You see, one of the compliments I get most frequently is that I’m special – or something along those lines. Even when people use “weird” or “crazy” instead of “special”, it’s still with some sort of admiration or envy, depending on where they are in their own lives and in their psyche.
When I was very young, and not exactly in touch or harmony with myself, I cherished this compliment. “Great! They see my individuality,” I thought. But, a few years down the line, as I started going deeper into psychology and spirituality, I had to face the real issue: what exactly were they seeing in me? What did special mean to them? And, how was their idea of me relating to my authentic self?
By exploring those questions and their many nuanced answers, I came to painful but liberating truths about myself, the people in my life, and people in general. So, I started caring less and less about what people thought of me – bad or good. Here’s a part of what I learned, illustrated with bits of my experience.
When someone asserts something about you, your ego will take it personally. It will either accept it as true or rebel against it, but it will do its job and make it all about you. The ego is focused individuality. It guards and enforces our boundaries, our sense of separation, our identity as an individual. (More about the ego, loneliness, narcissism and other interesting things soon.)
When people said that I was special, my young ego was happy – it had received validation. It was I who was special, other people recognized that in me, the perimeter of my identity was defined.
However, being told you’re special and telling someone they are special are different viewpoints. The observed and the observer do not relate to the issue in the same way. But they both relate to it.
My young ego was preoccupied with itself. It didn’t have (yet) the poise and the confidence to consider other people’s egos. And everybody has one, and each one of us operates to a certain degree from the ego. People also have a natural inclination toward the relatable, the familiar. They need new and unusual things to freshen various aspects of themselves and their lives, but, ultimately, they fall back on the comfort of familiarity.
Being special is not familiar – that’s basically its definition. Thus, people will not generally choose something special unless it has enough familiarity in other aspects. And the key word here is “enough”, which is not a quantifiable variable.
In my own experience, being special meant that (some) people couldn’t quite relate to me. They just separated themselves from me. I wanted connection, but they focused on the contrast, and that made it difficult/impossible for them to connect, even though most of them truly admired whatever they saw as different in me.
Most of the times close people distanced themselves from me, the main theme was my uncommonness and their inability to deal with it. It manifested in all sorts of relationships, and I even got the strange experience of seeing a few of my exes chose new girlfriends who resembled me but were “safe” and relatable in other ways. One of those men, after months of saying he had been waiting for me all his life, eventually told me that there was no way I could be real – and it was not said or meant as a compliment. I already was in a place of knowing and owning myself, so it didn’t hurt, but it was disappointing, since I was real, interested in him, and open to being in love.
It was people who praised my talent and intelligence that were unavailable to me when I needed help. It was people who swore they loved me that left me when I needed them the most. I had one person say “I believe in you, but I can’t do anything for you” with tears in their eyes. They also said it terrified them that I was unlike anyone else. It was surreal. I didn’t know what to think, I thought my ears were betraying me, and I’m not even going to start about what I felt.
People keep you at a distance when they think you’re different. Even if you’re close, there is just enough space between you for fears and insecurities to creep in. In arguments, some of these people would throw self-deprecating remarks or they would imply that I thought I was above them, even though I had never suggested that. I’ve been told “you think you’re so special”, “you always have to be different”, “who do you think you are to step out of line” and so on. It was as if they were arguing with their mental constructions and projections, on the other side of a thick glass wall.
And the funny (as in strange) thing was that I used to have very low self-esteem. I didn’t want to stand out. Sometimes, I would even imitate people in an effort to blend in. It was a very weird, uncomfortable and disappointing thing to do, but, back in the day, I used to have a very strange relationship with myself and the world. Thankfully, I’ve worked through and out of that.
I’m not writing this to vent or to merely talk about myself. My intention is to inspire you to build bridges, especially towards those dearest to you that you “just don’t get”.
Seeing someone as special, different, “extraordinary”, as my friend said, creates blind spots. You tend to miss important parts of that person. And I’m not talking about some sort of brilliance you have trouble wrapping your head around, but the mundane aspects of their life, the relatable plain and boring part, their basic human needs even.
“Extraordinary” people are often lonely and misunderstood. People have a warped vision of who you truly are. They don’t understand that you’re simply more in tune with a source of inspiration. They don’t understand that maybe you’re more passionate, dedicated and/or clear about things that interest you. They may not understand that what sets you apart is a special goal that requires uncommon priorities and habits. Heck, what they call special in you might simply be the result of persistent hard work.
“Extraordinary” people are often criticized in their personal circles. Your schedule is weird, your hours too long, you forget to call back, you can’t be that busy, you should take it easier, you’re too sad, you’re too optimistic, you’re unrealistic, you’re too focused, you’re late, you’re early, and so on and so forth.
I don’t know about other special people, but what I wanted the most from my close ones was for them to shut up and hold me (article coming soon), and, occasionally, show love in practical, tangible ways.
If you truly think someone is special, call them, write them a note, cook for them, whatever, but do something. Telling someone they’re special without making them feel special is empty praise. Sometimes, the right contribution you could have in another person’s life is different than the one you imagine. Making someone feel special comes in the most unoriginal forms, and all it requires is an investment, usually of time and attention.
And here is the second point I wanted to make.
What does “special” mean in the relationship between two people? Don’t we choose to make other people special? Doesn’t our choice and investment single them out and give them a special place in our lives and hearts? Ultimately, it’s not about how special we are related to social standards but to the people in our lives.
If someone has invited you into their life, you’re special to them, you bring them something they need/want. It may be something you think is dull, or maybe it’s something you don’t even see in yourself. Maybe you don’t get them because you separate yourself from them by thinking they are too different. Maybe you wonder what you could bring to their life that they cannot find somewhere else. However, that “little” you have to offer might be a lot for them, and just what they need.
You shouldn’t stress about what you don’t understand about them. Learn if they want to teach, teach if they want to learn, or simply focus on common ground, share and be present.
So, take that math wiz out for a walk, treat that creative to dinner, share a laugh, play a game, listen, talk, enjoy yourself and rest assured that, by doing that, you’re special to them. And that’s the true meaning of being special: enriching someone’s life.