The most important reason I decided to publish this short series was the realization that I (still) repress too much – up to the point that I offer a bland and inaccurate image of me. It made me feel like I’m betraying myself, which may not be a good feeling, but is a good indicator that change is necessary. Throughout the years, I’ve moved up the spiral of this issue, and it has contributed very much to my spiritual growth. However, I still have some work to do, and opening up is part of it.
Until now, only two people in the whole world knew the reasons and stress behind the gaps in my online activity. These gaps may have suggested that I don’t take my online endeavors seriously, when, in fact, it is quite the opposite. Everything that happened to me this year pointed toward a common root, and I finally accepted that there are circumstances in my life that I no longer have (or want) to endure, because I’ve overcome their underlying causes. It took a while to process everything, and it involved going to places in my psyche that I would always postpone sorting out. But the “I’ll get to a certain point and then I’ll deal with that memory/fear/doubt(/whatever)” attitude was the main cause for what I perceived as stagnation. Plus, there wasn’t much to deal with anymore, just a few touch-ups, and then… practice, practice, and more practice.
As I advanced through this series, I noticed my interest for this topic diminish in proportion to the increasing excitement about moving on to other subjects. Clear sign that melancholy was fading, leaving only a few reminders, such as:
- Ask for help and/or receive it gracefully.
- Less “good girl”, more other parts of me.
- Next time I help anyone sell something, I’m taking a commission, or at least a written agreement that I can use the experience in my portfolio.
- Set priorities starting from things that are important to me.
- Put into practice the difference between services and favors.
- Setting boundaries doesn’t work, having clear preferences does.
- Don’t get hooked into the negativity of some people. It is their own interpretation and response to life, and they don’t know any better.
I’ve always thought that we should sing our own songs, in our own voices, but I’ve also had a big problem with it, hence a big inner conflict. For years, I’ve gradually reduced the magnitude of this conflict by solving the problem, until the whole issue became benign. The only thing left to fix was the habit of not singing enough songs in public – both figuratively and literally. This series, as I said in the intro, marks an essential change: I’m letting go of this habit, and since it is about sharing more, why not start with sharing this change itself 🙂
(This post is part of a series: Autumn Melancholy – Intro)