When the last box touched the floor of our new place, a rush of sheer joy replaced my anticipated feeling of relief. That night, when I went to brush my teeth, I looked in the mirror with a huge smile on my face and a healthy feeling of self-appreciation in my heart. Sore muscles and aching joints, I did go way beyond what I thought were my limits.
It took a few weeks to get rid of the bruises, strains and fatigue, and a little more to improvise the next best thing to a functional dwelling – we didn’t have enough time to find one that suits our needs. But the most challenging part of this period was my melancholy.
I had carefully planned and arranged a puzzle that was now scattered. I felt as if everything was thrown in a pile and I had to rethink every little aspect of my life… and I had no time for that. I didn’t want to stop everything I had in motion, but I couldn’t keep up with my plans either, so, for a few days, I just contemplated that present moment with all its unpleasant feelings and unwanted tasks.
In all honesty, I understood that I was keeping my teeth in the original version of already altered plans. I realized how unhappy I was because of all I couldn’t follow through. Filling your plate is one thing, adding up when it’s already spilling is another. I finally admitted that I should learn to ask for help, but also accept it when it’s offered. As they say, when things don’t add up, start subtracting, so it was time to stop putting myself down for not being able to do the impossible.
I am convinced that when unpleasant situations repeat cyclically you should look for beliefs, attitudes and habits connected to the specifics. This way you can quickly pinpoint your contribution to it all, and eventually make changes. However, some beliefs and habits are so stubborn that it takes great distress to make you change them and break the cycle.
This year, I got so fed up with aspects that have been going on (in one form or another) for a very long time, that I finally exorcised some deeply hidden imprints almost as old as I am.
Life makes you expand, and you have to upgrade yourself to the new version of you, otherwise you will keep bumping your head into similar problems and no satisfaction will equal that of releasing old patterns and adopting new ones. I know this kind of boundary crossing, I have experienced it many times before, but when you’re caught up in the emotions of such a shift, theory subsides and practice takes the stage. Although it is all for the best, it isn’t necessarily a joyful process.
This latest self-upgrade brought me melancholy, which I didn’t try to escape, I explored, and has faded harmoniously. Many of the specific things that bothered me before still exist, only I have adjusted my attitude toward them. (part 3)
(This post is part of a series: Autumn Melancholy – Intro)