Part 5 – The Depression Series
“The obsession with suicide is characteristic of the man who can neither live nor die, and whose attention never swerves from this double impossibility.”
Emil Cioran, Romanian philosopher and essayist
First, a little personal story.
Exactly as Cioran put it so well in words, years ago, I saw no sense in both living and dying. I felt suspended in the Universe… and in absurdity. Eventually, I said to myself that I could as well try to understand something from it all, since it seemed to have a stubborn will of its own to occupy my attention. But it wasn’t until one particular afternoon, that I had an enormous revelation.
Numb with sorrow, I got on the train home, decided it would be my last trip ever. The train left the station, and as it took a turn, my face was suddenly bathed in warm golden sunlight. I opened my eyes against that magnificent light, and an endless green field filled my window. I was literally hit in the face by the most profound motivation to live. The rest of my journey was all sunbeams, grass, trees, and tears.
You see, I had been too focused on suicide to realize it had a back side, equally unknown. When my clench loosened (the act of deciding relaxed the obsession) and the coin flipped, the reverse was clear: living in the moment as a whole being, regardless of time and space. It became crystal clear that life doesn’t need to have a definite meaning every single moment, that sometimes all you need is a sweet reminder that there’s a huge miraculous world you are a part of, a world of sunlight, green grass and stars that simply accept you – no judging, no hurting, no laughing at you. No one can truly be lonely and hopeless as long as the same sun caresses so many other faces. And even when the faces feel scary, there are mountains and fields, waters and deserts, and so many leaves, flowers, animals.
Secondly…
You are free to kill yourself.
It doesn’t matter what your parents think, or what your religion says about it. You don’t need consent from anyone. It is your decision, your own choice, and, if you want to succeed, no one is probably going to save you or convince you to change your mind about it. No matter how upsetting it may be for others around, only you can ever truly know your reasons and feelings.
I would not encourage anyone to commit suicide. To be completely honest, I wouldn’t advertise life much either, although that is where known possibilities are. Despite what seems to be obvious, it is not merely about life and death. Those two are neutral – you’re either alive or you’re not. The difference is in how we see the two.
Suicide is as personal as the grief of the one left behind. It happens in infinite suffering, perfect calmness, or a combination of both. Some people fail to understand that suicide is not a possibility one ponders from the position they, the observers, are in. Some even say suicidal people are weak and cowardly. It may be true for a few, but thinking about suicide, or even committing it, does not make someone a lesser person, less worthy of love and acceptance… even postmortem.
You deserve to be appreciated and loved for what you are, but if you don’t think you deserve it, you will not allow it, therefore you won’t feel it, even if it’s close to you. However, even when you don’t realize it, even when you hate yourself, even when others say you’re not, you truly are wonder-full… it’s in your nature. In the words of Carl Sagan, “we are made of starstuff”. The ones who somehow make you want to die are exactly the ones not worth dying for – they’re just disconnected from the truth of what we all are.
If you go on living, the world won’t be more peaceful, the people won’t care more, and you won’t miraculously have all your problems solved. However, you can enjoy peace, connect with people who care, and you can learn to solve your problems.
There is tomorrow. Sometimes this is scary, other times disappointing. There is also a whole world designed to keep you living – think about all the natural things you have to ignore and/or go against in order to kill yourself. There is also a place of feeling where nothing has any real meaning, and is just existing, ready for you to splash your combination of colors onto it.
I heard this true story. A girl killed herself on her birthday, leaving a note saying she did it because no one called her to say “happy birthday”. Meanwhile, her friends and family were busy organizing a surprise party for her.
Sometimes you don’t have to wait for tomorrow. A few hours may be enough.
And even if it takes longer, where’s the hurry?
If you’re still alive, there’s still hope, there’s still choice. With all the chances and possibilities that exist and can be created, there is always something you haven’t thought about yet, something new to learn, something surprising to realize. But most of all, opportunities to be happy.
The next part of the series is coming soon 🙂